Why Do I Still Miss Them Even After Everything That Happened?
If you are recovering from emotional abuse, narcissistic abuse, a trauma bond, or a toxic relationship, you may find yourself asking:
“Why do I still miss them even after everything that happened?”
Many survivors feel ashamed of this question.
They think they should be angry.
They think they should be over it.
They think that if the relationship was truly harmful, they should feel relieved to be gone.
Instead, they find themselves missing the person, thinking about them constantly, replaying memories, and wondering if they made a mistake.
If this is happening to you, it does not mean the abuse was acceptable.
It does not mean you should return.
And it does not mean you are weak.
It means you are human.
Why Do I Miss Someone Who Hurt Me?
Human attachment is complicated.
People do not only attach to healthy experiences.
They attach to meaningful experiences.
Many survivors miss:
- The connection.
- The companionship.
- The routines they shared.
- The hopes they had for the future.
- The good moments.
- The person they believed their partner could become.
Often, people are not only grieving the relationship that existed.
They are grieving the relationship they hoped would exist.
That grief can be profound.
Does Missing Them Mean I Should Go Back?
Not necessarily.
One of the most common mistakes survivors make is interpreting longing as information.
They think:
“If I miss them this much, maybe I should return.”
But missing someone is not always evidence that a relationship is healthy.
People can miss:
- Familiarity.
- Attachment.
- Routine.
- Connection.
- Hope.
- Potential.
Many survivors continue missing someone long after recognizing that the relationship was causing significant harm.
Why Do I Mostly Remember the Good Times?
This question creates enormous confusion.
After leaving, many people find themselves replaying:
- Vacations.
- Intimate moments.
- Shared dreams.
- Affection.
- Kindness.
- Connection.
The painful memories may feel less vivid.
This is a normal part of grief.
The mind often searches for what was meaningful before fully processing what was painful.
Trauma bonds can strengthen this effect by keeping people focused on the moments of connection that occurred between periods of distress.
What Is a Trauma Bond?
A trauma bond is a powerful attachment that develops when affection, connection, validation, or relief become intertwined with criticism, manipulation, emotional abuse, rejection, or fear (Carnes, 2015).
These relationships often create intense emotional attachments.
Many survivors find themselves missing the very person who contributed to their suffering.
This does not mean the suffering was not real.
It means the attachment was real.
Understanding that distinction can reduce shame.
Why Does Missing Them Hurt So Much?
When important relationships end, people often experience grief.
Many survivors underestimate the amount of grief involved.
They are grieving:
- The relationship.
- The future they imagined.
- The identity they held within the relationship.
- The dreams that will not happen.
- The hope that things would improve.
This grief can be every bit as painful as the loss of any significant relationship.
What People Often Get Wrong
One of the most damaging misconceptions is that healthy recovery means feeling nothing.
Recovery does not require you to stop caring.
Recovery does not require you to hate the person.
Recovery does not require you to erase every good memory.
Healing involves learning how to hold both truths at the same time:
There may have been moments of love.
And the relationship may still have been harmful.
These truths can coexist.
The Nervous System Perspective
From a nervous system perspective, missing someone often makes sense.
The relationship may have become deeply connected to routines, attachment patterns, emotional regulation, and feelings of familiarity.
When the relationship ends, the nervous system often experiences a significant disruption.
Many survivors feel:
- Restless.
- Lonely.
- Anxious.
- Disoriented.
- Emotionally raw.
These experiences do not necessarily indicate that the relationship should continue.
They often indicate that the attachment system is adjusting to loss.
What Helps?
Recovery often involves:
- Understanding trauma bonds.
- Allowing grief to exist.
- Reducing shame.
- Rebuilding self-trust.
- Strengthening supportive relationships.
- Developing nervous system regulation skills.
- Creating new sources of meaning and connection.
Healing is often less about forcing yourself not to miss them and more about understanding why you do.
A Somatic Perspective
Many survivors try to think their way out of missing someone.
Unfortunately, attachment does not live only in the mind.
It also lives in the body.
Somatic approaches help people understand how attachment, grief, longing, and nervous system patterns show up physically. As people develop greater awareness and self-compassion, they often become better able to move through grief without being controlled by it.
You can miss someone and still choose yourself.
You can grieve someone and still move forward.
Looking for Support?
If you are struggling to let go of a relationship, missing someone who hurt you, questioning your decision to leave, or trying to understand a trauma bond, support is available.
At Somatic Paths Wellness, I offer trauma-informed, attachment-aware, and nervous-system-based support for people recovering from emotional abuse, narcissistic abuse, trauma bonds, and relationship trauma.
If you would like to explore whether we are a good fit, I invite you to book a free consultation through Somatic Paths Wellness.
References
Carnes, P. (2015). The betrayal bond: Breaking free of exploitive relationships (2nd ed.). Health Communications.
Herman, J. L. (2022). Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence—from domestic abuse to political terror (Revised ed.). Basic Books.
Worden, J. W. (2018). Grief counseling and grief therapy: A handbook for the mental health practitioner (5th ed.). Springer Publishing.
About the Author
Autumn Rock is a trauma-informed recovery practitioner, somatic trauma and attachment therapist, recovery coach, writer and educator. Through Somatic Paths Wellness, she supports individuals navigating trauma recovery, attachment wounds, addiction recovery, ADHD, nervous system regulation, and relational healing. Her work integrates somatic approaches, trauma-informed care, attachment theory, lived experience and practical recovery support to help people build lives rooted in safety, connection, and self-trust.
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https://somaticpathswellness.com/why-cant-i-leave/
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https://somaticpathswellness.com/what-is-a-trauma-bond/
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https://somaticpathswellness.com/why-do-i-feel-addicted-to-someone-who-hurts-me/
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