Why Do I Feel Addicted to Someone Who Hurts Me?
If you find yourself feeling emotionally attached to someone who repeatedly hurts you, rejects you, manipulates you, or leaves you feeling confused and depleted, you may have wondered:
“Why do I feel addicted to someone who hurts me?”
Many survivors of narcissistic abuse, emotional abuse, toxic relationships, and trauma bonds ask this question. They often feel ashamed of their attachment and frustrated by their inability to simply move on.
They may know the relationship is unhealthy.
They may know they deserve better.
Yet part of them continues longing for the person who caused the pain.
This experience is far more common than many people realize.
And no, it does not mean there is something wrong with you.
Is It Really an Addiction?
Many people describe trauma bonds as feeling similar to an addiction.
While a trauma bond is not the same thing as a substance addiction, there can be important similarities.
Both experiences may involve:
- Intense cravings.
- Obsessive thoughts.
- Difficulty letting go.
- Returning despite negative consequences.
- Emotional withdrawal when separated.
- Temporary relief when reunited.
Many survivors describe constantly thinking about the relationship, checking messages, hoping for contact, replaying conversations, or feeling pulled back despite knowing the relationship is harmful.
This can feel confusing and frightening.
Why Would I Feel Attached to Someone Who Hurts Me?
Human attachment is powerful.
Relationships do not become meaningful because they are healthy.
They become meaningful because they matter.
Many people become attached to:
- Shared experiences.
- Emotional connection.
- Hope.
- Familiarity.
- Validation.
- Physical intimacy.
- Future dreams.
- The desire to feel loved.
When these attachments become intertwined with emotional pain, criticism, rejection, manipulation, or abuse, the nervous system often struggles to separate the two.
People may continue seeking connection long after the relationship becomes harmful.
The Role of Trauma Bonds
Trauma bonds are one of the most common explanations for this experience.
A trauma bond develops when periods of affection, validation, connection, or relief are repeatedly mixed with periods of rejection, criticism, emotional abuse, manipulation, or distress (Carnes, 2015).
These cycles create powerful emotional attachments.
Many survivors find themselves constantly waiting for:
- The apology.
- The text message.
- The affection.
- The good version of the person.
- The relationship they hope will return.
The attachment often becomes organized around hope.
Why Do the Good Moments Feel So Powerful?
One reason trauma bonds become so strong is that positive experiences become unpredictable.
Affection is no longer consistent.
Validation is no longer reliable.
Connection becomes something that appears and disappears.
Psychologists refer to this as intermittent reinforcement.
When rewards become unpredictable, people often become more focused on obtaining them.
In relationships, this can strengthen attachment and make separation significantly more difficult (Carnes, 2015).
Why Does It Hurt So Much When I Leave?
Many survivors expect relief after leaving.
Instead, they often experience:
- Grief.
- Anxiety.
- Loneliness.
- Panic.
- Longing.
- Obsessive thinking.
- Emotional pain.
This does not mean leaving was the wrong decision.
It often means an important attachment has been disrupted.
The nervous system reacts accordingly.
Many people experience what feels like withdrawal from the relationship.
What People Often Get Wrong
One of the biggest misconceptions is that people stay because they enjoy the relationship.
Most survivors do not enjoy the pain.
They are attached to the connection, the hope, the potential, and the moments of love that existed within the relationship.
Another misconception is that intelligent or emotionally aware people should be immune to trauma bonds.
Trauma bonds affect people from every background.
Attachment is part of being human.
The Nervous System Perspective
From a nervous system perspective, the attachment often makes sense.
The body learns to associate relief, connection, validation, and emotional regulation with a particular person.
When that connection is threatened or removed, the nervous system may respond with distress.
The body is not asking:
“Is this relationship healthy?”
The body is often asking:
“Where is the connection I learned to depend on?”
Understanding this distinction can reduce shame and increase self-compassion.
What Helps?
Recovery often involves:
- Learning about trauma bonds.
- Understanding attachment patterns.
- Reducing shame and self-blame.
- Building supportive relationships.
- Reconnecting with personal values.
- Strengthening boundaries.
- Developing nervous system regulation skills.
- Creating sources of meaning outside the relationship.
Healing does not require judging yourself for the attachment.
It requires understanding it.
A Somatic Perspective
Many people try to heal by arguing with themselves.
They tell themselves they should be over it.
They should know better.
They should move on.
Yet the body often continues longing for connection.
Somatic approaches recognize that healing is not simply about changing thoughts.
It is about helping the nervous system experience greater safety, connection, regulation, and self-trust.
As these capacities grow, the pull of unhealthy relationships often begins to weaken.
Looking for Support?
If you are struggling with a trauma bond, emotional addiction to a relationship, narcissistic abuse, or the painful experience of missing someone who repeatedly hurts you, support is available.
At Somatic Paths Wellness, I offer trauma-informed, attachment-aware, and nervous-system-based support for people recovering from emotional abuse, trauma bonds, unhealthy relationships, and attachment injuries.
If you would like to explore whether we are a good fit, I invite you to book a free consultation through Somatic Paths Wellness.
References
Carnes, P. (2015). The betrayal bond: Breaking free of exploitive relationships (2nd ed.). Health Communications.
Herman, J. L. (2022). Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence—from domestic abuse to political terror (Revised ed.). Basic Books.
van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.
About the Author
Autumn Rock is a trauma-informed recovery practitioner, somatic trauma and attachment therapist, recovery coach, writer and educator. Through Somatic Paths Wellness, she supports individuals navigating trauma recovery, attachment wounds, addiction recovery, ADHD, nervous system regulation, and relational healing. Her work integrates somatic approaches, trauma-informed care, attachment theory, lived experience and practical recovery support to help people build lives rooted in safety, connection, and self-trust.
Related Articles:
What Is a Trauma Bond?
https://somaticpathswellness.com/what-is-a-trauma-bond/
Why Can’t I Leave?
https://somaticpathswellness.com/why-cant-i-leave/
Why Do I Keep Returning to a Narcissistic Relationship?
https://somaticpathswellness.com/why-do-i-keep-returning-to-a-narcissistic-relationship/
Why Do I Still Miss Them Even After Everything That Happened?
https://somaticpathswellness.com/why-do-i-still-miss-them-even-after-everything-that-happened/
How Can Somatic Support Help?
https://somaticpathswellness.com/how-can-somatic-support-help-me-heal-a-trauma-bond/