Why Do I Miss Someone Who Treated Me Badly?
Few experiences create more confusion than missing someone who hurt you.
You may know the relationship was unhealthy. You may remember the lies, the manipulation, the criticism, the emotional abuse, the broken promises, or the constant feeling of walking on eggshells. You may even feel relieved that the relationship is over.
And yet, despite everything that happened, you still miss them.
Many people find themselves asking questions such as: “Why can’t I stop thinking about them?” “Why do I miss my abusive ex?” “Why do I want to contact someone who treated me so badly?” or “Why does leaving feel worse than staying sometimes?”
If this sounds familiar, you are not alone. Missing someone who hurt you is one of the most common experiences reported by survivors of emotional abuse, narcissistic abuse, and trauma-bonded relationships. It is also one of the experiences that creates the most shame.
The truth is that missing someone does not mean the relationship was healthy. It does not mean leaving was a mistake. And it does not mean you should go back.
What Is Happening?
When a significant relationship ends, the loss affects far more than our thoughts.
Relationships shape our routines, our identity, our expectations, and our nervous system. Even when a relationship is harmful, the loss of that connection can create genuine grief.
Many people assume they should only grieve healthy relationships. In reality, people often grieve unhealthy relationships just as deeply—sometimes more deeply.
Part of what makes this so confusing is that people are often grieving multiple losses at once.
They may be grieving the person they hoped their partner would become.
They may be grieving the future they imagined together.
They may be grieving the moments of kindness that existed alongside the harm.
They may be grieving the loss of companionship, familiarity, routine, or belonging.
Sometimes people are grieving the dream of the relationship more than the reality of it.
This does not mean the abuse did not happen. It simply means human relationships are often complex and emotionally layered.
Why the Good Memories Can Feel So Strong
After a breakup, many people become frustrated because they find themselves remembering the good times more than the bad ones.
This is a normal human response.
When we are experiencing loss, the brain often searches for moments of connection, affection, hope, and closeness. It is not unusual to find yourself replaying vacations, intimate conversations, affectionate gestures, or periods when things seemed better.
This selective remembering can create the illusion that the relationship was healthier than it actually was.
Many survivors describe feeling pulled toward the memories of who their partner could be while minimizing the reality of who they consistently were.
This does not mean you are lying to yourself. It means grief can narrow our focus toward what we have lost while temporarily obscuring what we escaped.
Common Misconceptions
One of the most harmful misconceptions is that missing someone means you still belong together.
Missing someone is not evidence that a relationship was healthy.
People miss former partners who lied to them.
People miss former partners who manipulated them.
People miss former partners who neglected them.
People miss former partners who abused them.
Human attachment is powerful. We do not stop caring about someone simply because we learn they are unhealthy for us.
Another misconception is that if you miss someone, you have not healed.
Healing does not mean the absence of grief.
Healing often means learning how to tolerate grief without abandoning yourself in order to make it stop.
Many survivors expect themselves to be completely over the relationship before they can move forward. In reality, healing often happens while grief is still present.
A Nervous System Perspective
From a nervous system perspective, missing someone who hurt you makes more sense than many people realize.
Human beings are wired for attachment. Our nervous systems are designed to seek connection and belonging.
In trauma-bonded relationships, periods of pain are often followed by periods of relief, affection, apology, or reconciliation. These cycles create powerful emotional and biological associations.
The nervous system begins to anticipate connection as relief from distress.
When the relationship ends, the nervous system may continue searching for the person who previously provided that relief, even if they were also the source of the distress.
This is one reason why many survivors describe intense cravings to reconnect after leaving an abusive relationship.
The experience can feel remarkably similar to withdrawal.
People often report obsessive thinking, emotional distress, loneliness, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, sleep disturbances, and powerful urges to make contact.
These experiences are not signs that you belong together.
They are often signs that your nervous system is adapting to the loss of a deeply conditioned attachment pattern.
For individuals with childhood attachment wounds, abandonment experiences, emotional neglect, or previous relational trauma, these responses can be even stronger.
The nervous system is often seeking familiarity, not necessarily safety.
Unfortunately, those are not always the same thing.
What Helps?
One of the most important aspects of healing is learning to separate missing someone from needing them.
You can miss someone and still recognize they are not healthy for you.
You can love someone and still choose not to return.
You can grieve a relationship and still know that leaving was the right decision.
Education can help reduce confusion and self-blame. Learning about trauma bonds, emotional abuse, attachment patterns, and nervous system responses often helps survivors understand that their reactions are normal.
Supportive relationships are equally important. Isolation tends to strengthen trauma bonds, while healthy connection helps create new experiences of safety and belonging.
Journaling can also be helpful. Many people find it useful to write down both the good and the harmful aspects of the relationship. This can help balance the tendency to remember only the positive moments during periods of grief.
Developing self-trust is another important part of recovery. Many survivors have spent years questioning their own perceptions. Rebuilding confidence in your own experiences, emotions, and instincts can be a powerful part of healing.
Most importantly, give yourself permission to grieve.
Grief is not evidence that you made the wrong choice.
Often it is evidence that something important ended.
A Somatic Perspective
From a somatic perspective, missing someone is not simply a thought process. It is often an embodied experience.
You may feel the longing in your chest, your stomach, your throat, or throughout your body. You may notice tension, emptiness, restlessness, anxiety, numbness, or a strong urge to reach out.
Somatic work helps people become more aware of these experiences without immediately acting on them.
Rather than trying to suppress longing, somatic approaches help individuals develop the capacity to stay present with difficult emotions while remaining connected to themselves.
Over time, people often learn to recognize the difference between attachment activation and genuine safety.
This can be a profound turning point in healing.
Instead of automatically moving toward the familiar, individuals begin developing the ability to move toward what is actually supportive, healthy, and life-giving.
Somatic healing is not about forcing yourself to stop missing someone.
It is about learning how to remain connected to yourself while you do.
Looking For Support?
If you are struggling with missing someone who treated you badly, support is available.
At Somatic Paths Wellness, I offer trauma-informed, attachment-aware, and nervous-system-based support for people recovering from trauma bonds, emotional abuse, and unhealthy relationship patterns.
If you would like to explore whether we are a good fit, I invite you to book a free consultation through Somatic Paths Wellness.
References
Carnes, P. (2015). The betrayal bond: Breaking free of exploitive relationships (2nd ed.). Health Communications.
Freyd, J. J. (1996). Betrayal trauma: The logic of forgetting childhood abuse. Harvard University Press.
Herman, J. L. (2022). Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence—from domestic abuse to political terror (3rd ed.). Basic Books.
Levine, P. A. (2010). In an unspoken voice: How the body releases trauma and restores goodness. North Atlantic Books.
van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.
About the Author
Autumn Rock is a trauma-informed recovery practitioner, somatic trauma and attachment therapist, recovery coach, writer and educator. Through Somatic Paths Wellness, she supports individuals navigating trauma recovery, attachment wounds, addiction recovery, ADHD, nervous system regulation, and relational healing. Her work integrates somatic approaches, trauma-informed care, attachment theory, lived experience and practical recovery support to help people build lives rooted in safety, connection, and self-trust.