Was It Really Abuse or Am I Overreacting?
If you find yourself constantly asking, “Was it really abuse or am I overreacting?” you are not alone.
In fact, this is one of the most common questions survivors of emotional abuse, narcissistic abuse, gaslighting, and controlling relationships ask themselves. Many people spend months or years questioning their own perceptions before they ever question the behaviour of the person who is hurting them.
You may find yourself wondering:
- Maybe I’m too sensitive.
- Maybe I expect too much.
- Maybe I’m remembering it wrong.
- Maybe it’s my fault.
- Maybe I’m the problem.
When these thoughts become constant, it can be incredibly difficult to trust your own experience.
Why Do I Keep Questioning Myself?
One of the most confusing aspects of emotional abuse is that it often causes people to doubt themselves.
Unlike physical abuse, emotional abuse can be subtle, inconsistent, and difficult to identify. There may be no obvious event that allows you to clearly say, “That was abuse.”
Instead, there may be hundreds of small moments that slowly erode your confidence, trust, and sense of reality.
Over time, many survivors stop asking:
“Why are they treating me this way?”
and begin asking:
“What’s wrong with me?”
Signs You May Be Experiencing Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse can take many forms, including:
- Constant criticism.
- Being blamed for things that are not your fault.
- Having your feelings dismissed or minimized.
- Being told you are too sensitive.
- Being accused of overreacting.
- Being punished for expressing needs or boundaries.
- Having conversations repeatedly turned against you.
- Feeling responsible for another person’s emotions.
- Walking on eggshells to avoid conflict.
- Feeling confused after interactions.
Many survivors report feeling exhausted from constantly trying to explain themselves, defend themselves, or avoid upsetting the other person.
What Is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation that causes a person to question their memory, judgment, perceptions, or reality.
Examples may include:
- “That never happened.”
- “You’re imagining things.”
- “You’re too sensitive.”
- “You’re crazy.”
- “You’re remembering it wrong.”
- “I never said that.”
Over time, repeated gaslighting can significantly undermine self-trust and make people increasingly dependent on others to define reality.
Research has shown that emotional manipulation and coercive control can have significant psychological effects, including increased anxiety, depression, confusion, self-doubt, and reduced self-esteem (Stark, 2007).
Why Do Other People Not See It?
This question often creates enormous confusion.
Many emotionally abusive people present very differently in public than they do in private. Friends, family members, coworkers, and community members may only see the charming, helpful, successful, or charismatic version of the individual.
This can leave survivors feeling isolated and wondering if anyone will believe them.
The fact that others do not see the behaviour does not mean it is not happening.
What People Often Get Wrong About Abuse
Many people believe abuse always involves yelling, threats, physical violence, or obvious cruelty.
In reality, emotional abuse is often much more subtle.
A relationship can appear loving on the surface while still causing significant harm underneath.
Many survivors stay because they continue to see moments of kindness, affection, remorse, or connection. This does not mean the relationship is healthy. It means the situation is complex.
How Do I Know If I Am Overreacting?
Healthy relationships allow room for disagreement, emotions, boundaries, and repair.
In healthy relationships:
- Your feelings are taken seriously.
- Your concerns can be discussed without punishment.
- Mistakes can be acknowledged.
- Accountability exists.
- Both people are allowed to have needs.
- Conflict does not consistently leave you feeling confused or diminished.
If you repeatedly leave interactions feeling small, blamed, invalidated, anxious, confused, or afraid to speak honestly, it may be worth paying attention to those experiences.
The Nervous System Perspective
When emotional abuse occurs repeatedly, the nervous system often adapts.
Many survivors become hypervigilant, constantly scanning for signs of conflict, criticism, rejection, or danger. Over time, this can create anxiety, exhaustion, self-doubt, and difficulty trusting yourself.
This is not a sign that you are weak.
It is often a sign that your body has been working very hard to protect you.
What Helps?
Recovery often begins by learning to trust your own experience again.
This may involve:
- Learning about emotional abuse and gaslighting.
- Rebuilding self-trust.
- Strengthening boundaries.
- Seeking supportive relationships.
- Exploring attachment patterns.
- Working with the nervous system.
- Developing greater self-compassion.
Healing does not require proving your experience to everyone else. It begins with allowing yourself to take your own experience seriously.
A Somatic Perspective
Many survivors understand intellectually that something was wrong long before they fully trust themselves emotionally.
Somatic approaches help bridge that gap.
By learning to notice emotions, body sensations, nervous system responses, and patterns of activation, people often begin rebuilding trust in themselves from the inside out. Recovery becomes less about convincing yourself of what happened and more about reconnecting with what you already know.
Looking for Support?
If you are questioning whether you experienced emotional abuse, narcissistic abuse, gaslighting, or coercive control, you do not have to sort through it alone.
At Somatic Paths Wellness, I offer trauma-informed, attachment-aware, and nervous-system-based support for people recovering from emotional abuse, trauma bonds, relationship trauma, and the loss of self that often follows.
If you would like to explore whether we are a good fit, I invite you to book a free consultation through Somatic Paths Wellness.
References
Stark, E. (2007). Coercive control: How men entrap women in personal life. Oxford University Press.
About the Author
Autumn Rock is a trauma-informed recovery practitioner, somatic trauma and attachment therapist, recovery coach, writer and educator. Through Somatic Paths Wellness, she supports individuals navigating trauma recovery, attachment wounds, addiction recovery, ADHD, nervous system regulation, and relational healing. Her work integrates somatic approaches, trauma-informed care, attachment theory, lived experience and practical recovery support to help people build lives rooted in safety, connection, and self-trust.