A trauma-informed reflection on coercive control, attachment, and the somatic path to relational freedom.
By Autumn Rock | Somatic Paths Wellness
Love, in its truest form, is not meant to cage or consume.
It is meant to breathe. To expand. To invite both people to grow.
When love becomes control—whether through possession or through trying to earn love by fixing someone—it stops being love and turns into captivity.
When Love Becomes Ownership and Control
Possessive love says, “You belong to me.” It mistakes intimacy for ownership and attention for devotion.
In its subtler forms, this shows up as jealousy, guilt-tripping, or monitoring your every move. In its most harmful forms, it becomes coercive control—a form of abuse that restricts autonomy and undermines safety.
Psychologist Evan Stark (2007) defines coercive control as “a strategic course of oppressive conduct used to secure subordination” (p. 5). It can involve:
- Isolation from friends, family, or community.
- Monitoring finances, appearance, or communication.
- Emotional manipulation and gaslighting.
- Threats or unpredictability to enforce submission.
Research shows that coercive control leads to lasting complex trauma and nervous-system dysregulation (Herman, 2015; Williamson, 2020). Survivors often live in constant hyper-alert, with anxiety, sleep disturbance, and self-doubt (van der Kolk, 2014).
By contrast, authentic love supports nervous-system safety—space to breathe, say no without fear, and remain whole inside connection. Love that cannot coexist with freedom isn’t love; it’s captivity disguised as care.
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When We Try Too Hard to Change Someone
On the other side of control lies self-abandonment—the belief that if I love them enough, they’ll change.
This often stems from trauma bonding, where cycles of reward and harm create powerful attachments to the person causing pain (Carnes, 2019). Neurobiology shows intermittent reinforcement releases dopamine and oxytocin, wiring us to chase emotional relief rather than safety (Fisher, 2016).
Many trauma survivors mistake endurance for strength and compassion for permission. We over-function, fix, and rescue—until we collapse. Somatically, the body knows this as captivity: tight chest, shallow breath, constant fatigue.
Freedom begins the moment we honor our body’s truth.
Peace is not a privilege—it’s a birthright.
Explore somatic therapy for trahttps://diversepathswellness.com/what-is-somatic-therapy-a-gentle-path-to-healing-cptsd/uma recovery →)
Choosing with Respect, Not Control
To love fully is to say:
“I respect your right to choose, even if your choice is not me.”
That is the essence of secure attachment (Bowlby, 1988).
It means I can love you deeply and still choose myself.
I can wish you well and still walk away.
I can respect your path and still stay true to mine.
Love says, “I want what’s best for you.”
Freedom adds, “And I will also choose what’s best for me.”
When both coexist, love becomes expansive—rooted in respect, truth, and emotional safety.
The Somatic Path: Healing from Captivity
In somatic therapy, we understand that the body knows when it’s free.
Chronic control keeps the body in contraction—tight muscles, shallow breath, digestion issues, and hypervigilance (Porges, 2011).
Safety, by contrast, feels like breath returning. The shoulders drop. The heartbeat slows. The vagus nerve signals, “You are safe now.”
Somatic healing helps us rebuild trust with our own sensations and boundaries.
We learn to read our body’s “yes” and “no” as sacred, and to reclaim our right to peace.
We Are the Medicine
To love in freedom is to know that control is never safety, and self-abandonment is never devotion.
When we release the need to own or be owned, love can finally breathe.
That breath—shared, sovereign, alive—is where healing begins.
We are the medicine.
References (APA 7th Edition)
Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.
Carnes, P. (2019). The betrayal bond: Breaking free of exploitive relationships. Health Communications.
Fisher, H. (2016). Anatomy of love: A natural history of mating, marriage, and why we stray (2nd ed.). W. W. Norton.
Herman, J. L. (2015). Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence—from domestic abuse to political terror. Basic Books.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton.
Stark, E. (2007). Coercive control: How men entrap women in personal life. Oxford University Press.
van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.
Williamson, E. (2020). Living with coercive control: Trapped within a complex web of control and coercion. Violence Against Women, 26(15–16), 1886–1906. https://doi.org/10.1177/1077801220935190