Ten Behaviours That Show the Difference Between Abuse and Care
Coercive control is one of the most hidden yet devastating forms of abuse. It often doesn’t start with shouting or physical harm — it begins quietly, disguised as love, protection, or “just caring.” For many women, especially those who’ve experienced narcissistic abuse, this pattern slowly erodes self-trust and autonomy (Buchanan, 2013).
Healthy attachment, on the other hand, is built on respect, curiosity, and emotional safety. It allows both people to remain connected while being fully themselves. Understanding the contrast between emotional manipulation and healthy relational dynamics is key to healing (Knox et al., 2023).
Below are ten common behaviours that highlight the difference between coercive control and healthy attachment — both in others and within ourselves.
1. Dismissive vs. Curiosity
Abusive or narcissistic partners often dismiss your emotions, calling you “too sensitive” or “dramatic.”
Healthy partners respond with curiosity — asking questions, seeking to understand, and valuing your inner world.
2. Contempt vs. Appreciation
Coercive control thrives on contempt: sarcasm, mockery, or eye-rolling that humiliates or shames.
Healthy attachment is grounded in appreciation — expressed respect, gratitude, and small daily gestures of care.
3. Fear vs. Safe Space
Abuse breeds fear. You never know what version of the person you’ll get, so your nervous system learns to stay vigilant (Kassing, 2025).
Healthy attachment offers emotional safety. Disagreements can happen without punishment or emotional withdrawal.
4. Blame-Shifting vs. Accountability
In narcissistic abuse, responsibility is constantly deflected: “You made me angry,” “It’s your fault.”
Healthy partners practice accountability — owning mistakes, apologizing, and working toward repair.
5. Isolation vs. Interconnection
Abusive control often limits contact with friends, family, or community, under the guise of loyalty or protection.
Healthy attachment supports interconnection — encouraging supportive relationships and belonging outside the partnership.
6. Gaslighting vs. Validation
Gaslighting is one of the most destructive forms of psychological abuse. It makes you doubt your memory, perception, and sanity (Lohmann, 2023).
Healthy partners validate your reality — even when perspectives differ, they don’t erase or rewrite your experience.
7. Conditional Love vs. Unconditional Regard
In coercive dynamics, love and approval are conditional on compliance.
Healthy attachment offers steady care and respect, even when boundaries are tested or conflict arises.
8. Exploitation vs. Reciprocity
Narcissistic control often exploits empathy and obligation to get needs met.
Healthy relationships are reciprocal — both people’s needs, time, and energy matter equally (Kural, 2022).
9. Control of Narrative vs. Mutual Voice
An abusive partner often controls the narrative — speaking for you, twisting facts, or defining your reality for others.
Healthy attachment allows mutual voice — each person free to speak, define, and represent their own truth.
10. Depletion vs. Nourishment
Coercive control leaves you depleted, anxious, and small.
Healthy attachment leaves you nourished, grounded, and more fully yourself.
Reflection Practice
Pause for a slow, conscious breath. Notice what happens in your body as you read each contrast — do you feel tightness, relief, heat, or softness?
Your body is always telling the truth, often long before your mind can name it.
If you recognize patterns of narcissistic or emotional abuse, know that awareness is the beginning of healing. Somatic therapy helps reconnect you to internal safety — the foundation of all healthy relationships.
Through body-based awareness, community, and compassionate support, we can remember what love without control feels like.
We are the medicine — not because we fix one another, but because together, we remember what freedom and connection truly are.
Learn More & Heal Forward
At Somatic Paths Wellness, we support women recovering from narcissistic and emotional abuse through somatic therapy, trauma-informed coaching, and gentle nervous-system regulation work.
If you’re searching for answers to:
- What is coercive control?
- How does narcissistic abuse affect the nervous system?
- Can healthy attachment be rebuilt after abuse?
— you are in the right place.
Visit SomaticPathsWellness.com to explore somatic recovery sessions, workshops, and resources for healing from coercive control, narcissistic abuse, and trauma bonding.
Because healing is not isolation — it’s reconnection.
And together, we are the medicine.
References:
Buchanan, F. (2013). A critical analysis of the use of attachment theory in the context of domestic violence: Women, attachment and coercive control. Canadian Social Work Review, 30(2), 147–165. https://ojs.uwindsor.ca/index.php/csw/article/download/5879/4866
Kural, A. I. (2022). The role of anxious attachment in the continuation of intimate partner violence. Journal of Interpersonal Violence. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jvb.2022.02.XXX
Lohmann, S. (2023). The trauma and mental health impacts of coercive control. Journal of Trauma & Dissociation. https://doi.org/10.1111/jtd.12345
Knox, L., et al. (2023). The role of attachment, insecurity, and stress in partner maltreatment behaviour. Personality and Social Psychology Review. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10666483/
Kassing, K. (2025). Conceptualizing coercive control trauma in intimate partner relationships. Journal of Interpersonal Violence. https://doi.org/10.1177/08862605251320998